Damn sorry for the tardy reply

January 10, 2015   /   byRezod  / Categories :  Posts

Damn sorry for the tardy reply myself….I read it days ago but under similar circumstances armed with only my nexus 5 I wasn’t gonna type up a halfway lengthy email by phone. I was actually at Jen’s place for the first time since I moved out….stayed the whole weekend. Kinda fucked me up as result because it felt weird to be back and sleeping there but mostly just to get all that much needed quality time with my daughter…..being able to wake up to greet eachother. Many days I’d spontaneously start crying missing my girl and the regret of not being there full time and my little visit sort of reopened that still fresh wound where I had to ask myself “why did I actually move out”…things were fucked up but a band aid could have at least been applied but I think she was just so sure that I was set on leaving that she didn’t want to stoop to begging. Only after I already put money towards my place did she start the “please don’t leave” stuff….finding my own apt…..packing my own shit up, renting a uhaul, moving in on my own, these are all landmark achievements for a developmentally challenged retard such as myself and is gainful experience for when the time comes again but it’s been hard man. Not just the separation from my daughter but the way I’ve spent my time. Literally just like….sitting in my apartment. Only going out to walk to the store. I’m in no kind of downward spiral….no substance abuse but damn if it’s not depressing to just pass your time streaming classic Simpsons episode on your roku all day when what you want and should be tending to is a 35 minute drive away. My apartment’s pretty nice….furnished it pretty good but it’s just so fuckin cold and empty and my daughter’s got such a codependence on her mom and she’s not making any effort to really ween her. My daughter’s very conversational and its very upsetting to hear her constantly repeating phrases like “I miss you” and “mama come see me” or like “mama came back” if she goes to another room for 5 minutes. It’s just not healthy…..I have reservations about daycare but she’s in big time need of it I think to help build up some constructive separation. My girl’s advanced too…..not even 2 and already reciting her abc’s and knows them by sight, counts to 15, knows shapes even ones her dad don’t know like the octagon and hexagon. Great memory….can remember the last word of like every sentence in a book after just a few read throughs. Can speak in 7 to 8 syllable sentences. It’s very cool. Fatherhood means more to me than I can truly describe…..I want to be the provider that I know I’ve got the genetic makeup to be but hell if I can figure anything out for myself

I’ve got a touch of government help if you count $194 a month for EBT but that’s all the outside help I’m getting. I paid my rent 6 months upfront at 700/mo. I’ve got electric/gas to worry about when you don’t got a cell phone bill or car insurance and your food is covered cost of living is very affordable. I want a job though bad man but I don’t know anyone that can really share in my struggle of being almost 30 and only ever having had one job…..just completely directionless. Looking for something to nudge me even in the slightest towards one thing or the other. Going to the temp agency is what I got in mind but I’ve been excusing myself from following through because they all seem to be kinda far away and without a car in this weather that just seems like a lot of humbling myself that I’m not ready to do right now. What I really want to do is figure out some kinda 2 year degree I can envision myself doing and figure out if the government will help pay for it. Anyway if you want to video chat in 8 second fragments install snapchat and add jiffypark it’s a great app and sorry in advance to make my reply only about me your problems definitely outweigh my own