Everywhere I go I’m the most popular guy. Fist bumps everywhere. People just have to tell me stuff everywhere I go like I’m the local therapist. It’s like everyone wants to explain themselves to me. On the surface everyone likes me. But then I get stage two with people when I have in depth conversations that go beyond an hour. People start questioning their lives because the way I frame questions. Then they blame me for putting them in a bad mood. Then they gravitate back defeated and I neutralize them with humor. Then stage 3 they start asking me for favors and using me. I deleted this one dudes number the other day because I invite him out and he got jealous of me. I even bought his clam chowder soup for him and his pregnant gf then he started getting jealous the bar tender was giving us her personal strawberries and her tai sesame balls for free and then my other buddy Preston free beers all because she likes me. I’ll never talk to him again or help him. Then Heather got mad at me because I got mad at her it always feels like she too busy. One of them. I asked her do u measure life by busyness or eternal impact… then she told me she’s just grateful. I didn’t buy it. She’s using a thing called spiritual bypassing and repressing her emotions that’s why she’s always busy and wants to live as the female unibomber in the woods forever. She’s so fuckin mad at me that I don’t believe she’s grateful for her life 🤣

This magnetic facade I got going on is tough to maintain because now i can’t even sit alone for an hour without interacting with someone in real life. I get super depressed and feel empty and want to die. Last year I could sit a week without interacting with the human species and feel good in my solitude. I can’t get the balance right man. Then I got this lingering vacation ahead of me. Even if I didn’t have to go on this vacation I’d still contemplate living. What’s the point when either way there’s nothing to look forward to

That’s exactly my point. There’s nothing for me here. Im too far behind in life. Pretending to care about it now just to play catch up for the next ten years would only highlight how much of a nobody and a loser I am. I don’t want to live miserable like that