I am writing this letter because I care about my life. I never been arrested in my life. Then as soon as I was discharged from the military within months I was arrested for multiple DUIs. For the last 15 years Ive been getting arrested because I didn’t care about my life. The problem has escalated each incarceration because I had no choice but to interact with the criminal element. The influence was too strong. I’ve accomplished more in the last 5 months sober than I did the prior 15 years of my life not sober. I’ve even been invited to speak in front of the rehab at Bay Pines. What hurts is that I’ve built up so much positive momentum that now I actually care about my life. I have an appreciation for my life and the mental freedom I have attained. This is why it’s going to hurt being set back so heavily. I can easily drink or drug and play the victim going into another incarceration. This time it hurts ten times worse because I’m not doing that. Im facing this sober. It hurts because I saw the vision what my life could be and I actually care now. It took me this long to see it when others “get it” after one arrest. I was going to play the military card. Then I thought about it. I was going to say that I had a modest service. But it was actually quite unremarkable in comparison to my friends. Yes I was on the border of Pakistan in Nangahar Province for 18 months. Yes I hold a lot of guilt because I messed up and wasted a medevac and somebody died inadvertently because of me. We were scared. The gravity of what I gotten myself into hit me when I found my buddy Aaron Stephens unconscious in a bunker with a vertical 2 inch gash strung across his forearm. Then later my best friend West McCabe got himself into a situation that he couldn’t get out of and decided to take his life. The image of his wife and daughter at the memorial service I attended keeps getting revisited in my brain every weekend even to this day. Then the others I’ve encountered after being discharged. Every soldier goes through an identity crisis when they get out. The strong ones reidentify and make something of their lives and even go on to do amazing things. The majority do not. I know this. As hard as they try to blend in, secretly they suffer in silence for the rest of their lives. We live the rest of our lives in limitation and are forced to accept it. Drugs and alcohol are the go-to remedies to ease the rest of the timeline of their lives; lives they do not care about anymore. I wish I would’ve understood the sacredness of what it is about before I buried myself this deep. It’s like I finally discovered the secret to life and want to make the most of what remains but I threw out too many karmic boomerangs and now I can no longer dodge them and must absorb them. Consequences. A week ago I felt like I didnt deserve any jail time. I felt like I deserved to get out of this. After all, there is no victim. For this specific thing I thought I deserve to get a pass with vet court or drug court. But then I started writing this letter. I tried to put myself in the prosecutors shoes. He probably thinks that I think I can keep getting out of things. He is mad I didn’t take the first deal. At that point it would have not been logical to take any deal without further results of the evidence. That’s why I didn’t take it. I also wasn’t going to take probation because I couldn’t get sober so what would be the point if I was just going to violate it. That’s why I didn’t want to take the first deal until I went to rehab and was sure. As for the drug charges, it was bromazalam (which is legal). However, 8 months later I found out it was spiked with methamphetamine. Trafficking charges are a stretch. As for the DUI, despite there being no victim, I can now understand why a judge wouldn’t give me a pass on it. I’ve been arrested 5 times for DUI. First couple times I had the typical selfish outlook and downplayed it. But every time someone drives drunk there is the potential to injure somebody or kill them. I am no different than the guy who swerved for 2 seconds and murdered somebody. I just got lucky. The gravity of the potential of what could’ve happened is immense. If I were a judge and had to have the safety of the public in mind, I would give the same punishment. Getting away with things has enabled me. People get a couple of DUIs and brag about it like it’s a badge of honor that makes them look cool. It shouldn’t be glorified. That’s the problem. I deserve this. This letter will not be sent out. Writing this letter has convinced me not to write this letter and to take the deal 🤣