DEFEATEDSeptember 29, 2018 / byRezod / Categories : Posts
cant sleep. i have a big question for you, though: what do you seriously think; should i really just call it quits with you? like it feels (more than usual) that I’m just wasting my time chasing somebody that doesn’t want me back. should i really just take the hint, give up and “move on” like you keep telling me to?
my mom told me last night you’re not a bad person, but evidently you really dont care about me. that night the cops came she told me you two had a long chat via phone, and that you didnt care if anything bad happened to me. you wanted to sink my ship, so to speak. that you did not even care my mom wa ordered by a doctor not to drive- let alone drive long distance; let alone at night. essentially you made her do that. coldly abandoned me then put me out to dry; intentionally aimed to put me away for years. i’m not disputing how i pushed you to the limit, nor am i disputing whether if i deserved it or not (probably so). believe it or not, i’m actually disputing whether i’m an idiot to think you cared about me all along. she said “what kind of person keeps setting you up to be arrested and what kinda person — instead of supporting your health-oriented goals/sobriety — constantly drives you to get drugs when you’re most vulnerable.” for the most part she’s ignorant about most of the details with what goes on in our drug-addled paradise; however, i understand now that i made you do everything. your intentions were simply to make me happy and avoid upsetting me. but like you said, at this point maybe i’m really in denial? that i’ve overstayed my welcome and just wont let you go!
don’t care what anyone says- it cannot be wrong to give us the benefit of doubt and to do everything in our power to salvage things and learn from the worst if only to get better and treat each other like actual happy human beings. it can never be wrong for me to HOPE. but at the same time it reaches a boiling point where i dont want to end up like your parents instantly dismissing/ignoring your independence, going beyond basic parental concern, talking down to you in your own home, controlling every aspect of your life then guilt-tripping you when they don’t get their entitled way when you fail to do exactly what they want. blatantly invading your privacy, unable to be upfront and honest with you as they resort to constant manipulation (forcing/threatening/bribing). i don’t want to be like them driving myself crazy because you cant be bothered to take ten seconds to respond, reassure, and reciprocate the way i expect you to. its no way to live and its no way trust will last in the relationship.
look how dementedly scary your father was when he randomly showed up at your workplace without regard nor respect for your boundaries and, most importantly, you as a person. instead of maintaining these standard but necessary boundaries AND standing up for yourself when said boundaries were crossed, you HID me, completely reclined, as he trapped us in the back parking lot. during the aftermath you let your deranged, mastermind mother walk all over you while rewarding those boundary violations (by answering your phone, feeding her sick obsession) while burying me in the process. you went right back to rewarding her for being manipulative. but that’s besides the point and another issue altogether. me personally, i just don’t know what im doing with you here anymore and i just don’t think you genuinely care about me at all, not even on the surface. however, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. you’ve tried to tell me countless times but couldn’t bear to accept it: you’re merely around because i wont let you go and because i have dvds; because you just want to make everyone happy and not hurt my feelings and stir the pot. things may get better if we work on it, take it one step at a time and eliminate these unnecessary stressors in our lives slowly but surely.
however, my fear here is that you just don’t have that HOPE for us. Its not there. Theres very little reassurance i sense from your end at your core you care about me or have/want that hope in you to slowly turn things around- maybe down the road get a house together and mutually get on the same page to the point of treating each other right with thicker glimpses of being happy. that HOPE i just fail to detect it in you at all. without that i’m nothing short of DEFEATED. “no one listens to me and you’re just going to do what you want anyway just like my parents.” well i’ve been listening AND hearing you. and i’m sorry things turned out the way they did- that we couldn’t pull ourselves out up under through the worst of times TOGETHER, bonding stronger TOGETHER and developing real hope/vision of this working. i don’t want to hate you. i don’t want to lose you. i dont want to ever see you with someone else. i dont want to question your loyalty or feel abandoned/trashed like when your ex asked to hang out with you next time he visits in December. when you couldn’t (out of respect to me) just tell him “no. my boyfriend wouldnt like that. stop contacting me!” but instead you just left the door open for anything to happen. somebody who cares would instead definitively be proud/courteous to me and shut the ex down without reservation. then again i dont want to force your loyalty, and i don’t want to smother you like your parents. things dont have to always end on bad terms. we would probably benefit just being friends, but the reality is that would sting way too much causing even more resentment and false hope to brew. we both know we cant go backwards here. i also don’t want to overstay my welcome. i cross my fingers we see eye to eye but we’re at the point that anything less than getting back on our feet and getting married within the next 24 months is considered going backwards after all we been through. i could be in denial, but it feels like you just dont have that similar hope needed to get beyond this together, and it seems like i’m grasping at straws here. i love you, but i feel defeated. am i wasting my time?
don’t let all this distract you from the fact that you really are a wonderful girl that just wants to make every one happy. I want to be PATIENT with you, but not blindly patient. thats the single weakest trait i’m aware of and could potentially expand on.
am i wasting my time?
just by entertaining the idea of a drug screen and taking one for the intrusive parents you pretty much give them all the power and give them another reason making it okay for them to cross your boundaries and tell you what to do or ELSE. setting this precedent that they better get their way.. that its all about them.. that the only thing that matters is how they feel at the expense of your free will.. that its ok for them to force you to do things and that they are entitled to your full obedience otherwise “youre fucked up”.
things change, people change, situations change, plans change., nothings set in stone.
they expect your absolute obedience to this plan without including your input in this plan. your existence and input and freewill and feelings have been dismissed as irrelevant and unimportant. the fact that you have to do what they say that you better OR ELSE.. that you have no say. EVEN THOUGH YOURE 100% clean anyway and nothing to hide.. its the principal that its not okay for them to treat you less than human in your own home. itd be a different story if you were living in their home under their rules. even then you have a choice whethrr to play by their rules or leave..but theyre invading your home and your privacy and depriving you of that privacy. this has gone beyond simple parental concern. your coworkers son almost called the cops on your dad because he was outside acting strange and stalking you for crying out loud. they can gloat all day that they care about you and want to help you but the reality is far from that. theyre immature and selfish. “helping” you was a facade. youre in extreme danger around me yet when your dad saw me walking with you at work why didnt he protect you and save your life? instead he honked the horn “gotcha” like hes bored with retirement then drove off feeling all proud. even the whole guilt trip they throw at you because you initially asked for their help to help you with the big bad franky wolf is a sham. look at the bs emergency blood pressure story your mom dropped out of nowhere just to regain her grip on your life using another form of manipulation called guilt. she revealed all her cards and her true selfish colors.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN MY MOM HAD HER SURGERIES AND WAS REALLY REALLY BAD SHAPE ? your mom was jealous. yup jealous over a person that was cosmetically shattered and looked like she was dying. YOUR MOM WAS JEALOUS because of all of the attention she was getting. she didnt have an issue with my mom per se.. her issue is with the huge void.. the LACK OF. she longs for people to give her that kind of respect and attention and concern and care. she seemed somehow to turn my moms tragedy and make it all about her. selfish. all your mom did was complain that you went and visited my mom yet you cant even answer your phone for your mom sundays. that you treated my mom nice yet the big bad franky wolf couldnt even treat your mom with the same courtesy…. you see what she did there.. she somehow made my moms poor condition and hospitalizion about her life and how no one talks with her or is thrilled to take time out their day to care about her life.
i would never tell you you cant talk to your parents. i may or may not have an opinion but i should never tell you that you cant talk with that or live with them or see them. it ends at OPINION. because anything beyond that is just a demand you do what i say.. that you better value you my opinion because yours doesnt matter.
none of this is about me essentially. because if she didnt keep demanding you do such and such and tell you who you can and cannot talk to you would more likely respect her opinion and less likely to do the opposite. she should feel grateful because without me reminding and telling you you should call and talk to your mom on sundays.. she would have spoken to you a lot less on sundays.. and now she forces you to talk to her to prove yourself that you’re doing what she thinks you should do every minute of the day with complete disregard for your opinion.. and then she wonders why you dont want to talk to her. this last week she pushed it so far ordering your dad to disregard and cross your boundaries even further to the point you might even consider completely stop talking to her altogether. it just boggles my mind how someone that educated could be so unaware about parent-daughter relationship dynamics and how shes not only pushing you away.. but actually shoving you away now. you do what she says and live your life with her choices because yours dont matter. its all about making your mom happy! and doing what she says otherwise youre literally killing her because you’re stabbing the knife of stress into her emotional wounds.. right? because her health has a direct correlation with whether or not she gets her way! now theyre the righteous ones because you wronged her so now they have to withdraw their support and love to teach you a lesson: they can live life on their terms but you also have to live life on their terms!!!